Day 5

Cecilia’s Psalm from Daddy

A daddy speaks:
My tears have become my comfort,
The saline of my soul, my food.

How long will you remain quiet, my babe?
How long will you be still?

My eyes have never held such beauty.
My arms have never embraced such love.

But reality has become elusive,
And a previously unknown fear,
The ruler of my life.

I washed your precious body,
Christened your brow with the salt
Of my eyes.

Will you not wake up?
Will you not become the joy of my life?

A room full of saviors,
Brings knowledge of all living things,
But they failed to give you a gift,
A breath, that they cannot inspire.

For 9 months of moons,
You fluttered in your mother’s womb.

But under this midnight sky,
You will forever close your eyes.

A mommy speaks:
My eyes are swollen
And so too my breasts.

Lifeless tears stream down my face,
Life giving milk to my waist.
There is a cavity within me,
A void deep within me.

Where we used to play together
Paddy-cake kisses with the skin between us

My darling, my baby, my sweet Cecilia
As you go into the ground so will I,
And we will rest together
Until I might hold you again.

You are suppose to be here with me. I waited so long for you. I planned our life together. I felt every tiny movement, watched you change my body, and opened my heart to the overwhelming idea of my daughter. Our baby! I sit alone with no one around who understands. I feel like nothing without you. You gave me purpose. You gave me daily love and hope of what our future held. But you never came over to stay the night. You never cried for my attention. You never needed me to take care of you and now I'm lost. I'm so lost without you baby. I had cleared my schedule and my own agenda to place you at the center. I only wanted the title of Mommy. I knew my days would be filled with crying and diapers and feedings and watching you grow and I was so ready! I was so ready for you. Please come home so we can lay together and stare into each others eyes. I'll hold your tiny hand and you can take in the world through your new eyes. I need you.

Over a month has passed. I thought it was going to be easier at this point. I think it's becoming harder! Why aren't you here!? I just don't understand. You are mine! I could just scream! I am becoming a worse person without you. Being in a crowd of people has become overwhelming. Being with one or two people has become annoying, and I find myself nitpicking and criticizing everyone's life. The presence of people is suffocating but yet I am terrified to be alone. I don't want to be by myself long enough to remember the hurt that is so close to the surface of my emotions. I don't fight tears anymore. They roll down my cheeks like they know the path well. I just want to sleep or stare off into space. My mind is numb and foggy and unfocused. I still cant believe that we are the stars in this real-life tragedy. It wasn't suppose to end like this baby.

I want to look over and see you squirming in the blankets of my bed. I want to see the color of your eyes. I want to know what your cries sound like. I want to nurse you until you are satisfied. I want to hold you. How can I miss those moments when we didn't even get to have them? I'm so sorry we never got to look into each others eyes. You should have at least been able to meet your mommy. You weren't alone baby. I was with you. I still am. So much of me feels dead and cold. I just need you. What should I do now? I shall just miss you forever.

Your mommy