Why am I sitting at the foot of this tiny dirt hill playing with the dried flowers? Out of all of the images I had conjured up in my mind over the past nine months, this one didn't make the list. This isn't an activity I thought we would be sharing, maybe ever.
When I look at your picture, I just know you would have been a peaceful baby. Your sweet spirit is evident even from your silence.
I tried to go for a long walk without you. I should have known better. I had repeatedly planned our first stroller walk. I would slowly walk and respond to your every whim. I had planned to pack an endless amount of patience in case we needed to move slow or I needed to hold you or you wanted to stop and eat. I knew you would love the fancy jogging stroller and I couldn't wait to get out and show you off. I could feel my motherly pride beaming already.
That's not exactly how it ended up happening. Instead, I sheepishly tried to walk away from the front door to avoid seeing any neighbors who might recognize me. I walked one, two, three blocks before I realized once again, that you weren't coming back. You wouldn't accompany me on any walks ever again. I needed you to help me walk back home. I started sobbing so loudly I just knew someone would hear my cries. I muffled them by sloppily throwing my right hand over my mouth and then used my left hand to hold my chest because I felt like it might explode. I need to feel you again. I can't tell you how many hours I've spent fondly reminiscing our short time together. Holding you is one of my life's most honorable moments, and I wonder if I will ever feel as complete again. I'm afraid I won't.After my three block walk, I turned back because I've been in these moments before. I've felt this overwhelming desire to want to crumble and die due to the weight of not understanding what went wrong. Of not understanding where you are. Why aren't you in your stroller? I know exactly where your empty stroller is. I know because I thought about pushing it empty. How absurd right!? I thought about pulling that stroller out of the tomb of an attic and pretending like you were tucked away safe and sound, ready for our morning walk. Would you have been okay with that?
I miss you so much sweet baby. Your perfection, your life, your soul is something I strive to honor. I wanted so badly to be your mommy. Even your company now, six feet under where I am sitting is an honor to be in. I will visit again soon.
Love,
Mommy
My Kristen, my heart hurts for you and your family. And sweet lady you are still her Mommy....I wish I had gotten to see you while you were here but I know y'all were busy with family and quality with your momma :) I continue to pray for y'all and know I love you.
ReplyDeleteKristan, I know that most of the joy of parenting is anticipating the wonderful developments and experiences to come. How painful this must be for you, I am so sorry. Thank you for sharing your heart, you are beautiful. With love and prayers - Audra
ReplyDeleteHow brave to share your emotions with us! I pray you find some peace in this journey that is so tough to wrap your brain around. You will always be sweet Cecilias mom and she will always be with you. Peace to you and your family.
ReplyDeleteI cried reading this. My heart goes out to you. I can't begin to imagine what you are going through right now. When I miscarried; both times it happened before I even knew I was pregnant so I didn't have the chance to anticipate what never would be. I don't know that I would have had half the strength you have shown in sharing your journey. My prayers are with you and Justin always. I pray you find peace because I know of no one more loving and more deserving that you my precious friend. All my love - Angelica
ReplyDeleteI am only on Day 1 and am moved to tears. You are and always will be her mommy and she will forever be your Angel Baby. I understand from experience the empty ache of your arms and the deep hurt in your very being. My Angel Baby has celebrated 14 years in Heaven. He is thought of and loved every day just as she will be. You will find your self feeling her presence in little quiet moments, cherish them.
ReplyDeleteGod bless you so much, sweet Kristan. I am so sorry. Precious Cecilia will be forever your intercessor in heaven as she spends your whole life bringing you ever closer to Christ from her place in his arms. May she send you so many happy memories and so much love from heaven every single day.
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