Day 3

Ears To Hear

I love you baby. I feel like I can't say it enough. I want you to hear it! I want you to hear it with your own ears! I want you to hear it in my voice! I want to coo you and hum to you in love and lullabies and I want you to be able to hear it! It hurts so much to think about all of our private times we shared that are gone. I wouldn't have been mad at you if you woke me up to eat in the middle of the night! I wouldn't have been burdened by your needs for my attention. We would have had a beautiful time getting to know each other so well. We would have been silly girls together. You would have loved me and I really wanted you. I needed you. I needed you so badly! It is so hard being a mommy without you here. You made all of this make sense. Why did you leave so soon? Why didn't I know you were in trouble? I should have known! Your mommy should have known.

On the day after we laid you in the ground, I couldn't fight this one haunting thought. All I could think about was that you could hear. You could hear what was going on on the outside of my belly.

And on that day, a month ago, you could hear. You could hear us as we waited for you. You could hear as I talked about my growing excitement to have you finally here. You could hear Daddy call all of our friends to prepare them for your arrival. You could hear as Grandma and Nina responded to my labor pains. You could hear it all.

But then something bad happened. You stopped being able to breath. And you started panicking. I wondered, did you cry out to me? Did you wonder why I didn't come to you, come to make everything better? Did you hear my voice as your breaths got smaller and smaller? Did you hear my voice and wonder why I wouldn't help you? Did you think I didn't love you? I'm so sorry baby. I'm so so sorry. I'm so so sorry.

I'm thankful I shared these thoughts with your daddy. He is a really honorable man. As I cried these thoughts over your fresh grave that day, he looked at me and said some of the most comforting words I have received during this time. He told me that you loved me. He told me that you loved my voice. He told me that my voice could sooth you and comfort you and make you feel my love. And then he told me that you left this world in the place that gave you the most comfort and security and love. In this place, in me, is where you had grown and learned and given your mommy a life like never before. Your life was so small, my child, but I cant think of a better passing than to be surrounded by love in the only place you knew to be home. Few people will know the same privilege. And if that is so, than I hope you heard my voice. I hope you heard it loud and clear and you knew my love. I hope you heard it until you closed your sweet eyes for the last time.

I love you daughter, and I wish I could sit here with you forever. I'm sorry I have to leave but I promise to visit again soon. Goodbye sweet baby.

Love,
Mommy