It is so nice to be here with you. I wonder what it must look like to an outside viewer. A young mother, cross-legged at the point of a heart-shaped dirt mound. Your tiny grave plot is in the back portion of the cemetery. We picked this place because we want to lay beside you someday and we will plant a nice big tree to give you some shade. I sit facing a darkening West Texas sky with large gray clouds that taunts of rain.
I literally feel like the only person in the world. Just me and you, my baby, catching up.
I love everything about you. I find myself looking in the mirror and seeing you. I can't help but look a little longer and wonder if you might have looked like me as a teenager or a young mother yourself.
Today marks one month since I held you in my arms. This day, one month ago, was quite literally the day that could now shape me forever. I was so excited to hold you. I could already feel you in our arms. I could imagine your first photo with Daddy that would show you as a perfect chubby bundle and show him beaming with pride. He loves you so much. His misses his little girl. He assured me just a few days ago by saying, "I would have been a really good Daddy for her." I know he is hurting. He wants to be here with us now.Are you here baby? In this place? Under my crossed legs? I wish I were confident in where you are. Sadly and truthfully, I'm only sure of where you aren't. You aren't with me.
I promise to visit you as often as I can. I miss our play time. I miss your gentle kicks and soft hiccups. I have felt you in my tummy since you left only to catch myself remembering that my tummy is thoroughly lifeless without you. What good is my body without you now? It seems to be functioning fine but lacking its full potential. You made me a full person. In all realness, I felt alive and full of purpose because of your tiny beating heart inside of me. I had often describes myself as Super Woman throughout my pregnancy. You did that for me and I am so thankful.
I love you baby.
Love,
Mommy
Thank you again. This was hard to read wanted to turn away from your pain but I read on. Thinking of you and musing at what you must feel. My prayers and thoughts are with you.
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